I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
They are going to name an STD after you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
