My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
