Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
