when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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