a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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