My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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