i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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