My liver just broke up with me...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
