i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
