Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
