I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
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