I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
