if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
