Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
