On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
