matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
