I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
