i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
