Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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