I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
