I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
