I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
