I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
