Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
