Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
