I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
