somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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