everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
