WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
