i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
