Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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