yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
