an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
