What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
