i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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