We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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