You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
