yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
