Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
They have beer where we have blood.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
