this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
