it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
