So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
