i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
