Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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