I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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