I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
