my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
