if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
