Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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