Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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